Thoughts..

Jan. 29th, 2009 03:51 pm
nluvwanangel: (Default)
[personal profile] nluvwanangel
It's been quite a while since I've posted anything concerning my no LJ Life!

My month/year started out really rocky and I thought several times my whole reason for living was soon to be no existent. I don't usually approach real life in my wonderful cocoon of fandom friends but I just thought I'd wrap up this month and hopefully I won't suck like something....sucky!

My girlfriend and I have been dating for two years and almost five months.  We were going thru some awful problems and I thought this was gonna be the last time I'd ever have her in my life.  Of course we had had fights or disagreements before, every couple does and if you say otherwise its a lie.  But with this one we were fighting everyday and I was absolutely fucking miserable.  I love her more than I have ever loved anyone in my life and I thought that was my first mistake.  I should have never fell for her like I did but then I got to thinking She is responsible for the best time in my life and I can't regret what I had with her because she broke my heart.  I try my damndest to live life without regrets and I thought for the first time I was gonna have one.  Eventually we worked things out and now things are beginning to look better.  Its been hard.   I mean I imagined spending the rest of my life with this girl but I didn't think I could just waste my life waiting for something to happen that never would.  I wanted to marry this girl and she returns the feelings whole heartedly but due to our "unique" situation, I don't see it ever happening and I can't wait around for the next ten years and not have a future or a life with the person I love.  It was the hardest thing I think I've ever gone through and I never want to go through something like that again.  I was so scared of losing her but at the same time I couldn't keep letting myself die.  See the thing is my gf has a son who is nine years old and has no idea what goes on between us.  It was our decision not to disclose the nature of our relationship to anyone.  We felt like we didn't need anyone to know or judge us we could just enjoy orselves (which we started out just fucking in the beginning) but now I want the world to know.  I want the guys that look at her to know she's mine (we're both bisexual or really I'm whatever but for the sake of the argument we'll say bi).  I want to spend the rest of my life with this person and I feel guilty for wanting it. Does that make me pathetic?  Does it make me a bad person for wanting more with the person I love?  I don't know but it sure made me miserable.

So now the conundrum is we are still together and don't get me wrong I love being with her.....but it kills me to have to put my life on hold for this thing between us when she's the one I want to move forward with.

Side note: This probably means nothing...I'm just rambling...just needed to get it behind me I suppose. 
D
Also....my icon pretty much describes this post lol!

Date: 2009-01-29 11:20 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] wiccaqueen.livejournal.com
Oh sweetie, relationships can be hard...*hugs*
I think I kinda know what you're going through and the emotional ups and downs connected to it.

I broke up with my boyfriend last September after a 5 1/2 year relationship and it was the hardest thing I ever had to do. I really wanted to spend the rest of my life with him and also marry him. But he had different plans and then didn't want to commit.
So I (after months of struggling) decided to break up. Ofter I wonder if it was the right thing to do, as I'm sure I love him still. But I also tend to run away from problems and have been ignoring my broken heart...fandom really can help with that sometimes ;-)

From the way it sounds you really love your girlfriend, and if I were you, I'd try everything to make the relationship work! :-)
Edited Date: 2009-01-29 11:20 pm (UTC)

Date: 2009-01-30 03:12 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] nluvwanangel.livejournal.com
Thank you so much for your comment and especially the hugs!
Fandom helps so much and the friends I've found here are magnifique!
I do love her and I'm gonna do my best to make things work! I'm sorry you had to sit through that whole thing but I just needed to get it out. I'm usually not this emo, I felt like I was chaneling Sam or something lol! But its gonna be ok. Our love is strong enough to last us through this rough patch too.
Thanks so much for taking the time to help!
Hugs,
D

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